It’s funny you’re the broken one, but i’m the only one who needed saving, ’cause when you never see the light it’s hard to know which one of us is caving – Rihanna, Mikky Ekko
The bonds we form with the different people we encounter at random have the ability to make such a great impact in ones life, as do they have the ability to end up meaningless and forgotten. Over the 22 years that I have been lucky to be in existence, I would say I made friends quite easily. I was always popular in school and school was generally the environment under which my friendships thrived. My parents used to tell me I had way too many friends, and why do I value my friendships so much that I sometimes let them come before other important areas of my life, family included…it didn’t resonate with me, they (my parents) simply did not get it. In primary school I would have weekly sleepovers over the weekend, alternating from one friends house to the other, sleepovers were the social event of my primary school years, and everyone wanted to be involved. Silently we were all competing to see who could host the best sleep over, as we pressurised our moms to stock the fridge, dad to be the grill master at the braai, jampacked afternoons of swimming and running around playing in the yard and late night movie outings were some of the activities my weekend sleepovers would consist of, all in the name of building friendships.
Whilst the dynamics have but little changed, I find myself thankful that in my university years, the need to have a large group of friends that you find yourself in constant competition with has dwindled over time. Relationships have evolved from being all about the fun and the now, to being about substance and longevity. I struggled with this change for some time, worrying I was losing my way, worrying I was becoming boring and worrying I would find myself alone without companionship, but instead what i’ve gained, is love, strength in my bonds, growth, purpose, lessons, drive all through the friendships that I have come to cherish. I have learnt that,
“to find true happiness is to surround yourself with those who truly believe in not only the person you are today, but the person you could be in the future”
This post was inspired by a conversation I had the other night with someone I would call a new friend as we shared a dinner together. As we caught up, talked about our current projects, gushed over our shared interests and laughed at the silly-ness of our twenties, I knew this was a friendship that I appreciated but still had to nurture, I mean its only been a few months, don’t want to rush into anything right? But with one line she spoke, she solidified our relationship and what it meant to me right then and there. I had been sharing my story about my recent break up, and the unfortunate thoughts I was having about wanting to get back together with him and forgiving him for his mistakes and this girl I have only know for a few months uttered the words,
“Dont lie to yourself (girlindiscovery), that man does not respect you”.
Oprah Winfrey, one of my great inspirations (as cliche as it possibly can be) talks about the AHA! moment- that moment of sudden realisation, that moment the light bulb goes off in your mind and you think AHA!. This was one of my AHA! moments. She had just given me the truth I had been searching for, for over three months since my breakup, the truth I had so desperately needed to curb my love cravings for him, to end the senseless desires to return to something I no longer had any business with.
Often we become defensive to opinions we don’t necessarily want to hear, or opinions of people that know little about you, and easily, my first thoughts could have been “who does she think she is”, “what does she know anyway”, but her words were spoken with such respect for me, such high regard for who she believes I can be, for what she believes I deserve, this friend of a few months.
I had been carrying this feeling for weeks, wanting to hear peoples opinions, yearning to ask my dearest and closest friends if they thought me ending things was the right thing to do, but at the same time feeling that they would be biased in their opinions or simply just tired of hearing about it. And yet here she came, only just hearing about it all to deliver the message that would change my whole outlook and give me an entirely new perspective.
I believe that God puts people in our lives for a reason and so I am sorry Drake, im going to have to disagree with you on that ‘no new friends’ front. To you my new found friend, thank you. Thank you for your kind words have resonated with me. I appreciate you. I value our new found relationship. I love you.
I’m broken. Feels like life keeps handing me blows. It feels like things will only get worse before they get better. My situation feels desperate for a resolve, without one in sight. I can feel myself spiralling into an uncontrollable depression with nothing to stop me. I’m broken.
So I thought you were the one, so I thought we would be married one day, and so you broke my heart. Then why is it so difficult for me to accept? Why does the love I feel for you want to fight to help us overcome when the mind I trust to instinctively tells me otherwise? It highly annoys me to find myself here again, heart broken in my twenties when I so thought I had figured it all out, I had finally got it together, but thats the thing about certainty, can it ever really be true? At 22, I always imagined I would have this big group of friends, boys and girls alike, figuring this life thing out together, living it like it was a party all year round, my steady boyfriend by my side, I would be doing well at varsity but never taking it too seriously because after all, I am in my twenties, I would be living. Instead here I am, just moved into a bachelor flat in desperate need of fixing, all alone, no friends who truly understand me in near sight, just broken up with a boy (man would be an overstatement) I love, only because its what I felt I ought to do to stay true to myself, awaiting school to being my masters program, angry at the rest of the world for being happy, angry at myself for not doing better, angry at my twenties for not living up to my expectations.
I was inspired to start this blog through my anger, through my sadness, through my self-loathe and as pessimistic as it may start off, I hope to journal my thoughts through to healing, through to change, through to happiness.
To 2014 and 23, may I get up off my ass, stop feeling sorry for myself, and enact that change I so desire.
To my twenties, may I always remember to live, may I always remember to love, may I always remember to let go, may I always remember to let God!
20SomethingYearOldGirl…here’s to discovery.